Or at least for me they have…
Post treatment it’s time to make a change. I want to feel more me, look more me and live life better!
So it’s a day of firsts (or actually for Lux her second) She’s at pre school and I (shock face) am at the gym.
I’m hating it, everything about it. The musty purple and blue carpets, the sticky floors and the sweaty stench that hangs in the air and lays quietly across all the apparatus.
How I got here is a miracle after hearing Lux screaming and writhing behind me as I drive off in the car.
I’m doing a warm up on the bike, watching others warily as they look around too. Some of us feeling unsure, while others look like it’s their second home.
I want to run, that’s all I keep thinking… Go on… run… run back to Lux and let her run away from school too. The two of us together on the run, on the lose, doing whatever we want, like Thelma and a mini Louise, except without the headscarves and highways, and more with suncream, (it’s warm today) a cheeky juice for Lux and an iced coffee for me… (totes rock and roll)
But I stay, peddling on, looking down at my phone for the next exercise which AJ has kindly given me. Well when I say AJ, I actually mean his über cool Boxing Trainer from his über posh Marylebone Gym, Greg at Boxology Academy He’s given AJ a full on exercise regime and I’ve nicked the ‘doable’ exercises on a scaled down setting… and so here I am, set by set, rep by rep. It’s helping to have this on two levels. One, I know what to do next instead of feeling like a complete imbecile, gym-dumb novice and two, I can keep looking down at my phone instead of having to look out… at the gym.. at the other gymmers…
My hands are getting too hot and are already thick with grimy gym feel.. Time to move over the mats.
I grab two 3kg Dumbbells and I start sit ups, pushing the bells forward. I want to cry. It’s not the exercise itself that’s causing the pain, but every time I exercise, it feels like I’m going to let the flood out.
That’s why I’m here in the first place I guess, to help rid me of any pent up emotion from the past year, that and obviously wanting to feel better, have more energy and of course look better too, it all goes hand in hand. But the dam could crack at any moment and I really, really don’t want that to happen here. Working out at home though and I’m too lazy… half hearted… Aargh I hate this…
As time ticks by, the lady on the mat next to me who looks super fit, flashes me a smile and I start to get into a sort of groove. I haven’t run I’ve stayed, because Lux is staying too and so were in this together. I can pick her up in less than an hour, so I keep pulling down on the lateral arm exercise and hope it’s doing me some good. I try to focus on how I’ll feel next time, in a month, in three months and if Lux will have settled into it too.
I feel calmer. I’ve heard nothing from the school to my missed call and text, so I’m praying she’s ok, that she’s calmer too. We’re helping each other her and me, doing something new.
After an hour and ten minutes of non lazy and actually truly sticking to the boxology routine, I’ve warmed down and I’m leaving the gym. I sort of feel a bit better and not just because I’m leaving, but also because I can feel I’ve done my body some good. Enough of a something to hold on to and to spur me on for the next time anyway.
But for now I’m jumping in the car and racing to see my girl.